Spiritual Principle of the Day-October 9th

– Staying clean can be harder as time goes by, because we might get stuck in our ways and stop being curious and flexible.
– Sure, we have some habits that help us stay sober, but we also need to watch out for getting too rigid when life changes. Maybe we get a new job or a new partner or a big challenge, and we need to try something different from what we’re used to.
– We might act like we know it all, just like when we were new in recovery, instead of listening and being open to other people’s ideas and feedback.
– No matter how long we’ve been clean, being open-minded doesn’t mean we have to change our beliefs or our actions, but it means we’re listening and looking at different options.

It is Better Solve One Tiny Problem That Take All of The Problems Upon Your Shoulder

The Just for Today reads, “Sometimes it seems as though there is so much wrong with the world that we might as well forget trying to make a difference. “After all,” we think, “what in the world can I do? I’m just one person.”

Oh, that feeling of powerlessness becomes a real issue, especially if you are a person with an especially overthinking mind like mine—the swirling and endless torrents of raging inferno mind that never thought. The anxiety of a world full of an infinite number of problems you feel you have to process and make sense of.

Maybe, you can let go of that endless processing of facts and thoughts and breathe in. Focus outward on what is the front of you rather than process problems far away and distant. Let the pleasurable feelings of serene compassion and empathy overwhelm your heart. The idea of helping another person unleashes these feelings, and they do indeed feel sweet. What becomes a burden now becomes an utter pleasure.

Those unsolvable problems for a moment seem so far away. Their answer can wait another day or never get answered. For the moment, the resolutions of crushing problems do not need to be dealt with. Helping another person becomes the sole task of your life. It is a pleasurable one that feels far better than dealing with the crushing weight of trying to take the world’s unsolvable pains upon your back.

On Overcoming Overthinking Of the Useless Sorts and Find Connection In Arts

I feel bummed that I could not see my friend. I could really use her company.

It is not like I am doing bad. I want to be liberated from the burden of being in my own head and spending so much time alone. She is one of the few people I have this magical social connection that is unlike anybody else.

Perhaps, the difficulty is that I want to avoid the predicament that I am in now. Having a bunch of unconstrained time and not having any plan or goal on using it.

It takes a lot of effort to learn how to manage a bunch of unconstrained free time without having any goals or ideas what to do with it. Maybe I am not confident in my ability to provide focus and effort to structure time successfully. Or I do not want to take the responsibility of having to learn how to manage my overthinking and distracted brain.

Actually, that is the exact answer. I literally have to train my brain to completely slow down and stop its racing thoughts. I have to focus on what specific goals are fulfilling to me do alone with minimal social contact. My way of coping was to put no effort into it. Let it roam is what I said to myself.

An unfocused mind with endless racing thoughts makes achieving any goals impossible. So many racing thoughts about everything and floats through my mind. No medication is going to stop the problem.

Medication might slow down the intensity of overthinking when it becomes bearable, and I can actually enjoy myself. But it does not end the complete unfocused mind when it is given an entire weekend to roam free. This has been the story of the entire pandemic. I have managed to get by in seven months.

Which means it is not going to result in harmful behavior. What it does do is result in a lot of wasted time well, when the purpose of it is to be wasted. I make every excuse in the book to avoid hobbies or becoming especially assertive in setting up social gatherings. If you really are public health experts, they would request to avoid all social gatherings, especially if you are good at doing it already.

Things like doing photography, drawing, or another type of hobbies are ultimately down for personal satisfaction. The problem is that I feel that I have to be marginally talented to engage in any particular hobbies. If I feel that I am going to suck at doing somethings than I avoid doing it. The main reason is the childhood trauma of seeing others do so well and then look at your work, well, you suck at it. So why do something when everybody else can do a marginally talented job or better, and your output really sucks? That has been my attitude towards music or any type of hobby that requires fine motor skills.

Perhaps, that is merely an excuse. I have a low frustration tolerance to do things. I tend to be too distracted by an overthinking mind that regularly feeds off social media and needs constant information. A person with a high frustration tolerance would enjoy doing art for the sake of doing art even if the piece of art sucks. Even if you never get good at it, you have a high frustration tolerance for failure and a strong sense of self-acceptance that you will never be good, even marginally talented. And that that is better than letting the overthinking mind run free and engorge in gluttony of unfocused and unorganized information gathering.

But this desire to feed this beast of an overthinking and anxious mind is such a tempting thing to do instead of spending my time doing art that I suck at seems to be a more pleasurable activity. Why put all of the patience to train yourself to enjoy something that you ultimately suck at and never even make the ranks of the marginally talented. I do not understand that.

Yet, suppose you engage in that information barrage. In that case, you are going to let the insanity of the election feed into your mind. Instead of feeding your brain with trivial but interesting information, you let the raw power of public angst, fear, and bitter exasperation enter your soul. And why you ask?
I do not know.

But like drug addiction, it runs and festers in an endless cycle of the frustration of angst, and irritability within yourself. So I ask myself: What is the worst of engaging in that endless cycle? Making the art better for my health might be extremely frustrating, and no chance of ever being called good.

Now, of course, there is a talent that I marginally good at, which is writing this essay of self-reflection. It is marginally good. But it is not going to get A from the college teacher or make it through any writer’s meetup without being shredded into pieces.

The fact is that I am creating art right now because I am offering the reader a glimpse into my soul. Some people are really good at connecting with their own souls and writing completely free without a prearranged topic.

And I love this stuff. It feels pleasurable and good. And great.

In essence, I kinda find of the hobby. Not a primary hobby, but something that I enjoy doing.

Ironies About Ninth Tradiiton

Today I am leading an AA tradition study where all of the primary experience with that tradition comes from NA. So instead talking about AA service, I talk about the other fellowship.

However, the real reason why that happened is that my AA home group in Orange County refused to send a GSR to the local district and I was willing and able to serve in that position. And I would done that position even commuting from Garden Grove to Pasadena every day on Metrolink.

As a result, all of the experience is from NA because that is where I held all of the service committments. And once I again I have NA service commitment for 7 damn years. It seems that AA is primary group for recovery and NA is the primary group for service including HI. I am almost pure alcoholic (except for major abuse and yet I do almost the service in the fellowship where most everybody did hard drugs.

Ironies About Ninth Tradiiton

Today I am leading an AA tradition study where all of the primary experience with that tradition comes from NA. So instead talking about AA service, I talk about the other fellowship.

However, the real reason why that happened is that my AA home group in Orange County refused to send a GSR to the local district and I was willing and able to serve in that position. And I would done that position even commuting from Garden Grove to Pasadena every day on Metrolink.

As a result, all of the experience is from NA because that is where I held all of the service committments. And once I again I have NA service commitment for 7 damn years. It seems that AA is primary group for recovery and NA is the primary group for service including HI. I am almost pure alcoholic (except for major abuse and yet I do almost the service in the fellowship where most everybody did hard drugs.

Sponsor tells me to reverse directions on panel

So I was told that I could have no panels (that is where I speak to people in mental health inpatient facilities) by myself. I was told today by my sponsor that it was vain of me to deny the right of others to speak on the three panels that I have. He stated that I need to go out of my way including up to calling people randomly off a list of approved speakers to speak with me. The main panel that I do is done in such way that I can get either home quickly by 8:30 PM or get to my regularly scheduled AA meeting by 8:15 PM. He emphasized the importance that I really need to get people to speak with me even though I have the sole ability to do the panel alone and I usually get done early so the patients can get back their rec time. The main reason is why I do not get people is that the bulk of my speakers that I know are either busy with their own panels or live down in the Costa Mesa when my panels are all the way in Orange. Also, I was critiqued to carry the panel alone just based on my public speaking skills. Most people get people to do panels because they do not have the public speaking skills like I do or have a lot of friends who will do the panel with them. In my case, most of the people in Santa Ana area which would be my designated speakers are already busy. Oh well, I guess I just do what he says even though I do not like it.

This Is What Meth Does To You

So I found out on KTLA (http://ktla.com/2015/01/01/pregnant-mother-arrested-in-norcal-after-baby-dies-of-meth-poisoning/)

” Northern California woman was arrested this week in connection with the death of her 2-month old baby, who died of acute methamphetamine poisoning, police said Tuesday.

The two-month old infant passed away in June at a hospital after experiencing symptoms including choking and difficulty breathing, according to a news release from the Fairfield Police Department.

An investigation began the following month after the infant’s cause of death was determined.

During the course of the investigation, Fairfield police identified the mother as 21-year-old Shelby Frederick, and determined that she had full care and custody of the child, the release stated.

Frederick, who is five months pregnant, was detained on Dec. 30. She was subsequently arrested and booked into Solano County Jail on a charge of assault of a child causing death, according to the release.

This is insanity of drug addiction. Drugs make you insane and make your life permanently unmanageable. Unfortunately, for this woman, it is life sentence for efforts because she failed to deal with addiction

Dealing Life in Recovery

Right now, I feel that my life is headed into place of limbo.  Like that type of limbo. Limbo is defined as state of an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition..  My life is limbo because my next career moves are in the unknown

For the last one and half months, I had enrolled my in a vocational training program.  The vocational training program is supposed to teach me soft skills.  Where this program leads me is the great unknown.  For the last several months, I have been looking, looking, and looking for the right opportunity.  Few opportunities arose.  Temporary jobs have been offered and I am awaiting the results of my CTEC test and work with local tax preparer.

Yet, the sense of a permanent position eludes me.  Working full-time for any employer for more than six months eludes me. I might have to start at the bottom again.  It is not starting at the bottom that worries me, but the pending sense of the economic crises that makes me worry.  So what I am worried about is that the global economic system is headed towards a massive depression and all of this hard word will poof and disappear.\

Yet that fear looms in many people today.  But trying to prevent a massive economic crises that is the fault of the worlds elite is something we cannot prevent. Or could prevent if we had the willpower to launch a massive protest movement that the US has never seen.  But us in the US just do not have that abillity.

So the best thing is to take one day at a time as they state in recovery literture.

Which is sometimes painful when you are worrying about the future and a  sense a limbo does not offer hope.  But limbo is something that the steps and programs teaches you to deal with.

Internet Addiction Scoreing TEst

I just took an Internet addiction test which states that I am heavy user of the Internet.  Even though, I am a heavy user of the internet: mitigating factors include (i) desire to socialize with friends over spending time on the internet, (ii) frequent physical exercise takes priority over internet use, (iii) AA meetings takes priority over internet use, (iv) homework takes priority over internet use.   However, it is hard for me to curb my usage when asked to or engage in alternative activities.  What this tells me is that the Internet is my number one priority when I have idle time, but other healthy activities take priority over the internet.   I think part of the problem is that (i) I have to share TV with other people and (ii) feeling overwhelmed by the selection of books to read which makes it difficult for me to start a reading habit.

Self-Seclusion

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved.  For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.  It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
 
Self-seclusion is never a good thing.  However, I have been the master of self-seclusion.  Self-seclusion often occurs in my life because I feel sometimes that nobody accepts me.

I just sit in my big house and pout about how bad things are.   I really pouting because no one is commenting on my facebook or that I did not get a personal invivation  to a party that I allow to attend.

It is these waves of self-pity that go in on my soul. I pretend that no one loves me or nobody respects me. 

It is me that has the problem.   It is because I crave attention and when no attention is paid to me, I get upset.  I feel emotionally insecure.

It is selflish feeling.  Selfish feelings often lead to despair.  So when I get into self-despair, I need to recite this prayer.

“Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved.  For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.  It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

That ends the selfish streak.  Now, it is time for me to go the event and focus on others.  Focus on others feelings, lives, and interests.  To relieve myself of this burden called self takes a lifetime.